Raindrops keep falling on my head..

Just came back to changmai from the hilltribe village near changrai. I loved the village and the family we were staying with.. julin was there last year for her YEP trip and is still there now.. I was very sad to leave, even though I spent hardly any time with them, cos the mother and the little girl were so nice.. didn't take any pics though. No mood, but you must take my word (and maybe I'll try to get jl's pics from last time) that its a beautiful place.. Really gives meaning to all those notes and museum exhibits I'd been reading and seeing before we went..

On Saturday we spent the day at changrai university, watching the Freshie Games, cos our host just started there and is in the football team. They seem very young.. younger than when we were their age.. I think thais in general look younger than lao people, whose faces so often start to reflect hardship, suffering, and a maturity beyond their years no matter what age they are... It makes them very beautiful though, the sadness and at the same time serenity in their eyes...

Tam (our changer host) was telling us about how his village was originally from Burma, and how fearful life was there, and I remembered what Xai (the photographer guy in Vientiane) was telling me about how when he was young his family hid out in the forest and mountains from the communists, and how so many in his village were killed, and also what Mr. Boun Sai (my host in Si Phan Don) would point to the mountains across the river, telling me that that's Cambodia, and how there are many bad people there, and suddenly the myriad of old scars on his chest and back jumped out at me.. I didn't dare to ask, and he didn't say.. But still...

Remembering all these certainly puts everything I've been going through in perspective... Also just finished reading cloud atlas. Good book, suited the trip and the mood. I realize.. humans will always harm and hurt each other, intentionally or not.. Is it possible to assign blame? I don't think so... But sometimes the only person you can really rely on is yourself. I'm been asked a couple of times on this trip: why do you travel alone? I gave the normal answers of own time own target: freedom, flexibility, locals find you more approachable, you seek to meet new people more, etc etc... But in the past few days, I think I have found the real answer: when I am alone, I will never feel truly lonely. Oh, I may miss home, and friends, but home and friends will then remain a good memory, something to look forward to.. But reality never fulfils the promises that dreams make. The loneliest moments are when you are with friends or supposedly in a group and yet are so disconnected, unwanted, not spoken to, not needed, not valued, not....

but I am grateful that I am still good enough company for myself, if not for anyone else... 'to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance' - Oscar Wilde. I still love all of you guys =)) just trying to find something sort of stable to stand on for now.... came back to changmai today cos I wanted to go for this overnight 'intro to Buddhism and meditation' workshop at one of the wats and Buddhist training centers, but got back too late in the afternoon for that... Will just spend more time sitting in one wat or another I guess, or buy a book and try to learn on my own...

saw this sign in a wat: Buddhist beliefs:
1. Always do good
2. Never do evil, never harm another living being
3. Meditate often. Always keep a peaceful spot in your mind/heart you can go back to.

I have been taking lots of photos of clouds, skies, flowers, mountains, rivers.. The eternal, the ethereal, the ephemeral. If I cannot find joy in my present life, that is where I have to look for joy in...

was also planning to see some museums and another wat tml, but realised that they will be closed! argh... Wanted to do a cooking course on tues (saw a pamphlet the other time and they look like nice cute people), so I will be lazing ard tml.. Other option is to get a tour of some sort, probably trekking, but a bit unwilling to spend on that, and to see hilltribes accustomed to tourists...

hmm.. I think the rain has finally eased.. Can go to the Sunday night market to look for jason's lamp now =)

woah.. I'm been away for 34 days.. Be back in another 3...